I feel like I should write something here… But I can not think of anything with substance (meaning I can not think of anything that isn’t Emo).

     This is my self-inflicted to do list….

       – Write more
       – Do laundry
       – Clean my room (this has a lot to do with the washing of the laundry)
       – Catch up in schoolwork
       – Paint more
       – Stop being stupid/Emo/human/all three

     Two of these are accomplished relatively easily; can you guess which two? ….Bingo: do my laundry, and clean my room, and I will probably do these things after I am done here. Other than that, I am most likely sunk.

     I do not like what I am doing or who I am. Not particularly, anyway. I mean… I could stay the way I am and I’d be fine with that, but it’s like sleeping in your clothes instead of pyjamas: it’s nice every once in a while, but it gets old if you do that all the time. …I think I am a bit more insane now, with not being able to speak with my sister a whole lot (though this, too, is partially self-inflicted). I bottle things up more than I used to, I think. And while I have a good relationship with the parental units, I don’t talk with them like I do/did with Sarah. I haven’t talked with anyone like Ie wanted to since Sarah left: I simply don’t have anyone that I feel comfortable confiding in (at least, not as much as I want to confide).

     And I do not like being seventeen. Everyone gasps when they find out: like they can’t believe it, or like they know I’m going to have “the time of my life.” I do not like this growing up feeling. I do not like that, despite my dislike and knowledge of it, the growing up is inevitable. I do not like being asked which Uni I’ll attend, or when I’ll learn how to drive. I do not like some habits I’ve gotten into. I do not like that I am deceitful, and that people will not/would not believe me. I do not like a lot of things. But I suppose that these things I am going through are very much like a refiner’s fire, and I am the metal, being shaped and clanged into something beautiful.

     All of these things, plus some others, equal a jumbled, gloomy mess of a human with the name livia?tacked on it. It all makes me lack inspiration; makes me lack motivation. In short, I believe I have become the poster child of apathy. I forget who said it (someone to do with Over The Rhine, I think), but I am reminded of this quote: unny how we think people are more interesting when they are suffering?- or something to that effect. You may wonder why I have thought of this… It is because my life is actually pretty great on the surface. This could also be why I don’t have any artistic inspiration. So now I this robot that can only function on my sorrows and I will never be an artist if I am happy.

     And then…. You just have to wonder….

     And then the whole school thing… yeah. That should be fun. I will be doing school well into June, and possibly (though I cringe to say it) July. I do not like school. It’s similar to my dislike of salad: it doesn’t appeal to me, but I eat it anyway because I have to.

     Whatever. I just rambling some things that have been in my head.

     No poetry, again; it not worth your time or mine (especially since most of it is nonexistent). I am off to do the laundry and take a hot shower.

Without a doubt,
   -Olivia

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10 Responses to “”

  1. flarekojima Says:

    It’s hard to just get along in life sometimes. That and apathy is a hard thing to get rid of once you feel it strongly. Just know that if you ever need anything I’ll be there for you, whether it be to lend an ear or whatever you feel you need.And believe me, pain does lend itself well to art but so does happiness.Take care and I’ll see you sometime soon.

  2. djeikyb Says:

    Eww..hot shower? In the middle of summer?People lie. The best time of your life will be when you’re having it. You’ll notice later.I’ll get around to emailing you that stuff..sometime..soon..-ish.

  3. EthanByUntitled Says:

    I ain’t dead. Just shifting between worlds. You know how it is.Being human is one of the most beautiful things about us, Liv. We were created human; it’s not all bad. You silly gloom girl. Life is something that is for you. Stop being worried about giving answers and be more worried if you didn’t catch that tulip blossom that was the perfect shade of spring.Don’t worry about living life, as that is counter-productive. Live; life is upon you even now.

  4. Anonymous Says:

    Seventeen is a weird year. Listen to Janis Ian’s “At Seventeen” if you haven’t already. It’s so true and painful (at least in my opinion)

  5. lenni_ctg Says:

    Complimentary comment to boost the number ~_^ I think things only get old if you start thinking of them too much. For example, I’ve been sleeping in my regular clothes 5 days per week since last September. (It has to do with the job I have, not lazyness or insanity on my part. Really.) It hasn’t gotten old yet, its just changed into the norm while pajamas have become the novelty.~Lenni

  6. sarahgrin Says:

    Hi, Cute Girl! I knew you’d be proud of me! That was the first thing I thought after I squashed it with my flip flop: “Wow, if only Livi was here!” And then I thought of the funny lady from “Spirited Away” … “You SQUASHED it?!” Teehee… And yes, I got a comment from Thom! Two, actually… one in the entry before. They’re both replies to comments I left on his site. That’s I think a total of four that I’ve gotten from him. It’s been my goal to get him to subscribe to me, or at least visit often enough to recognise me next time they’re in CA. ‘Cos Thom is cool. I’m not the more popular sister.. I just happen to be in England and people find that exciting. Just you wait ~ when you go to England everyone will want to talk to you and you’ll realise that they don’t actually, they just want to say that they spoke to someone in England. It’s very frustrating, how few people have really kept in touch because they wanted to, because of me. I can count them on one hand. Oh my goodness, my sister has learned how to shop and she’s getting quite good at it. I remember people saying all that stuff when I was 17, too. When I turned 18, all that stuff stopped. It was hard to get used to for a couple months, but then I just relaxed.. and actually, I liked being 17. It’s a great number. It’s prime. And then 18 was boring. It’s a boring number. And then I loved being 19. It’s another fun number. Also prime. I like prime numbers. Maybe that’s it. My next prime number is 23, so that’s bound to be a good year. ^_~ But I haven’t figured out how I feel about being 20 yet. Someone asked me my age the other day and I was like “….I, uh…. just turned 20.” It’s funny… once you get to be about this age, people quit asking you how old you are and they just guess by where you are in university, or they find out at your birthday party. So don’t worry… once you learn how to drive it’ll mostly stop. Except if you start getting into drinking alcohol, then you’ll be carded every time you want to buy some. Unless if you’re in England. Anyways… “Olivia” is a beautiful name. Much more inspirational than “Sarah.” But most inspirational of ALL is “Sarah and Olivia,” together!! Or “Olivia and Sarah” … whichever suits your fancy. ^_~ You don’t necessarily have to go through tough times to have good art or appreciate the good times. Ask the Lord to reveal His goodness to you and He will. It’s true that mostly people appreciate the good times because of the bad they’ve gone through, but if you ask the Lord, He can reveal ALL the best things in the world to you, just because He’s good. Think of Lucy in “The Last Battle,” how much more deeply she was drinking everything in than everyone else. So ask and it shall be given to you. I’m glad that you miss me and want to talk to me and stuff… I’m sorry, I meant to call you yesterday. But Liv, speak to Jesus the way you would speak to me. He’s better for you anyway. And I’ll be back soon. In four and a half weeks. I can’t believe it. Flown by. Poof! God is good, God is good, and He’s a great listener. You can’t stop being human, but He made you that way. So talk to Him. ^_^ Livly, I pray for you and your schoolwork, that you would be motivated to enjoy it and to work toward your goal. Have goals and then reach them! That’s the way to accomplish things. Sometimes it’s a to-do list, and though they may be self inflicted, they take you to your goal, which takes you to where you want to be, so it’s okay. Speaking of academic goals… I need to set some ‘cos my theology exam is tomorrow. Krista’s not feeling well enough to take it {she’ll have to reschedule}, so I’ll be on my own. Again. Maybe you can pray for me too. ^_^ … just kidding, I know you do.Love you,Sarah

  7. hollywood_hoax Says:

    Over the Rhine and Yann Teirsen? Lovely, dahling.
    everyone is emo. its human nature. theres no escaping the robotic fate.

  8. rwrpolo Says:

    i too do not like this whole growing up thing… oh to be petter pan…

  9. rwrpolo Says:

    oh by the way thank you so much for the journal… its where i started to write a story on tour… its nice to have it, thanks…

  10. rwrpolo Says:

    indeed shoes… indeed!

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